I am a Russian troll. I first learned English by watching American movies and talking to tourists. My English ability and knowledge of American culture quickly got noticed by a troll farm recruiter who hired me to be a keyboard warrior in the trolling industry. After years of hard work rotating through all trolling departments (e.g. the meme department) and several promotions, I now manage a Russian troll farm.
You may think the life of a Russian troll is glamorous, and our work is easy. Let me assure you – that is not the case. We are strict about working hours, monitor everything our trolls do online, have many SOPs that must be followed, and set high targets for traffic, re-tweets, and likes.
Exhaustion, burnout, back pain, and carpal tunnel syndrome causes high troll turnover. And it’s not like we can easily recruit many fluent English speakers (who know how to push American buttons to get them arguing) here in Russia.
You might ask why Russians work as trolls. Do you know how low salaries are in Russia?
Sure, Russian trolls make above-average incomes. But try sitting alone in a chair for a 12-hour shift fulfilling our trolling quotas by arguing with stupid and stubborn Americans! Or getting stupid Americans to argue with each other!
You might now wonder why we do not just outsource trolling jobs abroad and hire real Americans. After all, Americans know their own culture and language better than us Russians.
However, outsourcing is not easy to do in Russia. Unlike in America, Vlad has a “Russia First” policy, and his government discourages outsourcing Russian troll jobs abroad. They also enforce laws against legal or illegal immigrants from stealing high-paying troll jobs from Russians.
And when we tried hiring actual Americans, they all turned out to be lazy POSs with no work ethic, and they complained about everything!
But the hardest thing for a Russian troll is trying to keep up with the “current thing.” In the West and especially in America, the “current thing” is constantly changing… And when you think you are fluent in the English language, they create a whole new set of genders and pronouns overnight for the next shift… And whatever has been a standard troll talking point during the previous shift will suddenly become a racist talking point for the next one. That shows you just how fast pace the trolling industry has become.
The 2016 elections and their immediate aftermath were the Golden Age of online trolling. We had 1,000 Russian agents and millions of Twitter bots amplifying and delivering our trolling messages. We even augmented our trolling revenues by providing oppo research services and helping to compile a special dossier.
Then after the elections, we got Americans so riled up that they were literally screaming in the streets.
However, the golden age of trolling industry would soon come to an abrupt end, and a Great Reset began. First, our best American client gave free advertising for our Macedonian troll farm competitors when she claimed:
“You know, there’s all these stories of guys over in Macedonia who are running these fake news sites and I’ve seen them now and you sit there and it looks like a sort of low-level CNN operation.”
As if Macedonian troll farms can provide the same quality of trolling services as a Russian troll farm! In fact, none of our other troll farm clients had ever heard of Macedonian troll farms until she started shooting her mouth off about them!
But many of our clients started sending some of their trolling business to the Macedonians as they charged lower trolling rates. And jobless Europeans and Americans are more willing to go to Macedonia to work or train local trolls versus coming to work in Russia! They started to flock there and now the Macedonians have a competitive trolling advantage.
Then that American clown Mueller indicted some Russian troll farms. That gave everyone a good laugh – especially when some of the indicted Russian troll farms unexpectedly demanded a trial which called attention to how ridiculous the cases were.
However, the indictments quickly stopped being a joke for us Russian troll farm managers and employees. It gave our bosses the excuse to not allow us to take our annual winter junkets to Phuket for fear of arrest and extradition. Do you know how cold and dark it gets in Russia during the winter?
And that stupid Mueller kept dragging the cases out to avoid an embarrassing trial. By the time a judge threw them out and our bosses allowed us to again take holidays in Thailand, the COVID pandemic had begun.
Mueller’s antics aside, the whole trolling industry rapidly started going downhill when Yahoo! took away their comments section. Seriously, the comments section was the ONLY reason ANYONE ever visited Yahoo! Why would Yahoo! do this? It made no sense to us Russian trolls!
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Author Citizen Satirist (CS)
