“If I Were the Devil”

If I were the Devil . . . I mean, if I were the Prince of Darkness, I would, of course, want to engulf the whole earth in darkness.

I would have a third of its real estate and four-fifths of its population, but I would not be happy until I had seized the ripest apple on the tree, so I should set about however necessary to take over the United States.

I would begin with a campaign of whispers.

With the wisdom of a serpent, I would whisper to you as I whispered to Eve: “Do as you please.” “Do as you please.”

To the young, I would whisper, “The Bible is a myth.” I would convince them that man created God instead of the other way around.

I would confide that what is bad is good, and what is good is “square.”

In the ears of the young marrieds, I would whisper that work is debasing, that cocktail parties are good for you.

I would caution them not to be extreme in religion, in patriotism, in moral conduct.

And the old, I would teach to pray. I would teach them to say after me: “Our Father, which art in Washington.”

. . . If I were the devil, I’d educate authors in how to make lurid literature exciting so that anything else would appear dull and uninteresting.

I’d threaten T.V. with dirtier movies and vice versa.

And then, if I were the devil, I’d get organized.

I’d infiltrate unions and urge more loafing and less work, because idle hands usually work for me.

I’d peddle narcotics to whom I could.

I’d sell alcohol to ladies and gentlemen of distinction. And I’d tranquilize the rest with pills.

If I were the devil, I would encourage schools to refine young intellects, but neglect to discipline emotions . . . let those run wild.

I would designate an athiest to front for me before the highest courts in the land and I would get preachers to say “she’s right.”

With flattery and promises of power, I could get the courts to rule what I construe as against God and in favor of pornography, and thus, I would evict God from the courthouse, and then from the school house, and then from the houses of Congress and then, in His own churches, I would substitute psychology for religion, and I would deify science because that way men would become smart enough to create super weapons but not wise enough to control them.

If I were Satan, I’d make the symbol of Easter an egg, and the symbol of Christmas, a bottle.

If I were the devil, I would take from those who have and I would give to those who wanted, until I had killed the incentive of the ambitious.

And then, my police state would force everybody back to work.

Then, I could separate families, putting children in uniform, women in coal mines, and objectors in slave camps.

In other words, if I were Satan, I’d just keep on doing what he’s doing.

Paul Harvey, Good Day.